Under the heavy weight of shadows

A century later and moments of staleness and lack of religiosity have entered my life, and gone. Once spring hit I felt a resurgence of life, as Apollo shone stronger and brighter. But my day to day life doesn’t shine as brightly as I have worked for it. I still trudge along, trying every day to get out of bed, one more day, another, just to do what is necessary. And yet, uncertainty looms. It’s been over a year now and still…

The economy being in a steep downpour has affected the most important desire in my life, and yet I still cannot find myself to make it work. What am I doing wrong? Not enough meditation? Intent? Will? Wrong prayers? Tears and emotions and vocalized intent and petitions do nothing. I am still in the same place – the situation has not changed. I am at my wits ends. Reading about the successes of others, the divine presence, intervention, response to their Work, does nothing but question my process – and my beliefs.

It’s difficult to find a pattern and stick to it when you look at the past, and see that it has not worked. Daily prayers, offerings and requests go unheard. Ignored. What happens when you patron doesn’t answer? Any of them? My altar sits with various figures I honor regularly and yet I feel like a tree that has fallen in a forest and no one was around to hear me. I have bought Jason Miller’s book and watched his videos – thinking I should’ve maybe signed up for his classes. I’ve listened to various podcasts and skimmed through my books and nothing has seemed to change. My wording may be wrong, my Will might be muddied or a wall is in the way. A thick fog surely surrounds me, but I will not let it choke me yet.

Sigh...